By Billy The Kid / Bottom Posts / 1st December 2016
We’ve all got that one mate. The one who spends far too much time in the clouds – to the point that they develop altitude sickness. If you’re mate is like Scooby D; the things that come out of their mouth on a daily basis never fail to astound you. That is, the small percentage of it that actually makes sense.
For a while now, The Halfway Crooks have been looking to get a handle on this sudden ice cream diversity that Mzanzi has been blessed with . Our main man: Scooby D decided he was up for the challenge. It made sense to us – considering that every tester ice cream we got somehow ended up in his stomach anyway.
What follows are the answers to the questions you didn’t know you were asking:
“If you’re like me, lactose intolerance applies to everything dairy, except for one thing- ice cream. It’s safe to say that testing these ice creams for the purposes of this article was nothing short of marvelous, and was the perfect excuse for when people shouted “Hey, that’s mine!” when I was already 3 bites in. If there ever was a profession whereby selling ice cream was your job, I think it would be safe to say they’d come up with a nickname for me – the ice cream man.
Here’s how they taste. Subjective yes, but my advice to you is: make like the All Black ‘s number 8 and Read.
As per usual, 75% of the flake ends up fucking flaking off and falling on the floor anyway, but the few pieces of sawdust sized chocolate you do actually manage to get in your mouth – un. Only available in a cone, like the one your hungry lungs just choofed out your tigo.
one word: fucked-up. Quite possibly the best thing ever made by anyone who ever tried combining ice and cream. This unreal treat takes your taste buds on a journey more adventurous and splendid than Samwise & Frodo’s, with popping candy randomly located in the outer Dairy Milk chocolate coating, thus ensuring that your yearning desire to have your head feel like it’s being rained inside of is satisfied to the maxx. There are also meteor sized Crunchie pieces in the coating too, which are just – yoh. Scoring a very lakka:
Disgusting amounts of caramel quite literally pumped down the centre of the tub, surrounded by caramel flavoured ice cream and Dairy Milk chocolate chunks, the size of small pieces of chocolate. This is only available in 500ml tubs, which is almost unfortunate, because you won’t stop be able to stop, and turn the page, diabetes.
It took Dairy Milk long enough to finally conceptualise such a revolutionary idea as to combine Oreo and ice cream; completely blowing the lid off the top secret recipe hidden away for years for the sophisticated MaccyD’s Oreo McFlurry. However, Dairy Milk did go all out on this flavour by coming out with the triphector of deliciousness – the 500ml plain Oreo and ice-cream tub, the Oreo cone, and finally the Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich (gluten free sandwich, of course). All 3 are infuckensanely delicious, with the prize going to the gluten free sandwich. That is all.
36.5/40 (average score of the three.)
Dairy Milk Milk Chocolate Ice Cream
Comes attached to a stick. Ice cream, chocolate, some chocolate in the ice cream, and uh, ya.
16/40 (or in a non-numerical rating scale- shit.)
Häagen-Dazs have also entered this ice cream on a stick game. With a new launch in not one, but three flavours:
Firstly, there’s Salted Caramel – so dank. Although the two flavours together sound like a bigger contradiction than driving to gym to run on a treadmill. (putting caramel together with anything should result in arrest for as’salt’). Caramel pieces the size of cocktail tomatoes pretty much dominate the entire inside, but no one’s complaining and if you are, then just go to sleep, then wake up and shut up.
Then there’s Macadamia Nut Brittle: good-ish, but the worst of the three, not quite matching up to the non-cone version that Häagen-Dazs produce and when I went to reach for it at the local Pick n Pack (a billy), a lady no older than 70 quite literally said “It’s shit” to which I responded “Thanks”. She was right, and the ice cream was about as good as our chat.
Finally, the Chocolate Choc-chip: Chocolate ice cream, swallowed in an almond-gamation of Häagen-Dazs Belgian milk chocolate and almond nuts. The ice cream also happens to have two fuck-fat melted Belgian milk chocolate strips inside. This literally brought tears to my eyes, and I wish to thank thank Häagen-Dazs’ manufacturers personally the next time I’m in New York.
Have countered their competitors massive ice-cream flavour exploitation, with their release of their new flavour – Creme Brûlée. Custard flavoured ice -cream, dallah’d in Magnum’s scintillatingly smooth chocolate, with sugar nibs engrained in all the places that you could want and imagine. Also there’s caramel intertwined in the ice cream, which is honestly just unfair. It may be on a par with or even possibly exceed Magnum’s (ex) best flavour ever – Biscotti. But let’s not talk about that, cause it just upsets me. For fuck sake they always stop producing anything that could possibly be one’s favourite. Think of it – Holy Moly’s, KFC‘s chocolate brownie avalanche, Hunny-O‘s, Obama. They’re all out. But I still rate this a solid:
However, Cadbury still have a few tricks up their sleeve, with rumours flying around that new flavours such as their entire Marvelous Creation’s range, Crème Egg and Dream chocolate, might just be making their way to South African shelves.
If this hasn’t inspired any Crooks out there to try a least one of these ice creams, then please kindly never visit our page again, or even continue to live for that matter. Peace out, no doubt. Llandudnolaka.”
We’ll be continuing to give Scooby D assorted things to test for your entertainment. We promise to keep him off the leash – raw, uncut and unbelievably dumb.
Let us know in the comments if you’ve got anything you would like Scooby D to try.
The Halfway Crooks